I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
