I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
