Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
