STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
