i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
