sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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