so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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