im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
