I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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