i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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