bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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