i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
