Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
