life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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