Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
