Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
