i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
