mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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