I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
