The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
