our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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