The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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