the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
