he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
