after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Oh god it's open bar.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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