I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
