my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
