Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
