Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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