There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
