I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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