How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
