Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
