Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
