4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
