I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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