This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
This house was built for laser tag.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
