You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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