my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
