Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
