Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
