Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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