He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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