I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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