that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Drunk is not a location!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
