Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
