I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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