I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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