He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
And then he peed in my hair
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