I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
