umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
