Yo dont text me then not text me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
