You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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