a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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