I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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