Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
