So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
